Okay, I’ll admit it. There are a lot of things I’m afraid of: cockroaches, roller-coasters, opening a can of biscuits. Most of these are not a big deal. Some fears, though, keep me from progressing and reaching my potential. Those are the fears I’m determined to quash.

In the past few years, I’ve asked for higher freelancing rates, better deals on furniture–I even walked out of a car dealership in a huff! These examples might not be a big deal to most people, but for me, they’re huge. Not too long ago, I absolutely dreaded negotiating. I avoided it at all cost.  The more I learn about money, the more I understand just how powerful a skill negotiating is. So in 2013, I forced myself to start speaking up and asking for more.

I’m not going to pretend I’m now 100% comfortable with asking for money–it can still be intimidating–but I’m a lot less afraid of it than I use to be. Here’s how I got over my fear of negotiating and learned to start being a squeaky wheel. Well, squeakier.  

Coming to Terms With the Fear

I was afraid of negotiating for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to seem greedy or confrontational. I didn’t want to get rejected. Once I came to terms with those specific fears, I was motivated. Over the years, I’ve learned just how much fear can hold you back. I wanted to move after graduating high school, but I was afraid of the risk, so I stayed put. I wanted to be a writer after college, but I was afraid of the “starving artist” stereotype, so I took a job at an engineering company instead.

I don’t regret my choices, because eventually, I learned an important lesson: when fear keeps you from striving toward your potential, it needs to be conquered. And my fear of negotiating was really getting in the way of my earning potential. Anyway, most of those fears are totally unfounded, and there’s research to back me up.

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A study from Columbia University, for example, found that timid people often overestimate their level of aggressiveness. Researchers took a look at the link between assertiveness and self-awareness, asking subjects to take part in mock negotiations then rate their own level of aggressiveness. Here’s what the study found

Many people seen as appropriately assertive by counterparts mistakenly thought they were seen as having been over-assertive, a novel effect we call the line crossing illusion… In Study 3, for instance, of those seen as under-assertive, 57% thought their counterparts viewed them as appropriately assertive or over-assertive. [PDF]

In short, if you’re afraid of negotiating because you don’t want to come across as confrontational, you probably have nothing to worry about. Chances are, nobody interprets your behavior as aggressive.

If You Don’t Negotiate, You’re Losing Out

Aside from the desire to destroy my fear, the biggest factor that motivated me to start asking for more was a simple statistic. That statistic revealed just how much you stand to lose by not negotiating, and it shocked me.

It came from a study from George Mason University and Temple University that found employees who negotiate their first ever salary earned about $5,000 more on average. Big deal, you say? Think about it this way:

…the compounding effect of successful salary negotiation can be significant. Assuming an average annual pay increase of five percent, an employee whose starting annual salary was $55,000 rather than $50,000 would earn an additional $600,000+ over the course of a 40-year career.

Yep, that’s hundreds of thousands of dollars non-negotiators lose out on over the course of their career. And, okay, we’re talking averages here, but the point remains: you stand to lose A LOT by not speaking up and asking for more. How much money was I giving up by keeping my mouth shut?

The Added Benefits of Negotiating

Don’t get me wrong, earning more money is a pretty awesome benefit on its own. However, negotiating has a slew of other benefits, too, beyond the money.

For one, it builds confidence. For years, one of my biggest negotiating fears was rejection. But what if they say no? Most people will tell you: well, that’s the worst that can happen, they say no. To me, though, rejection has actually been a good thing.

For a long time, every time I negotiated, I got a resounding, SURE! You want more money? Here you go!  It was surprisingly easy, and that was a real confidence boost, but it also told me I was probably making up for years of undervaluing myself. When I started getting rejected, that was a whole other confidence boost. It made me confident that I was closer to being paid my worth, and that made me want to strive for more.

Asking for more also reminds your employer–and yourself–of your accomplishments. Even if you don’t get what you want, if they can’t budget for it or whatever, you’ve established that you work hard and you value your hard work. Asking for a fair rate isn’t just about the money. It’s about declaring your value.

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How to Get Started When You Dread It

Once you realize negotiating is a good thing, how do you get started with it? This is a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately, and I actually wrote all about that in a post at Two Cents Lifehacker this week. Here are some highlights.

Research everything: Research is key for any negotiator, but especially for a timid one. Knowledge is power, so the more knowledge you’re equipped with, the more confident you’ll feel. Research salary information for your position at a site like Glassdoor. Research your company’s goals and how you can contribute to them. When you know what the other party wants, you can use that to your advantage.

Change your approach: Don’t think of negotiating as a confrontation or conflict. Reframe it as “joint problem solving.” You’re not trying to pull one over on the other person; your goal is simply to come to a mutually beneficial agreement–you want them to get something out of it, too. When I ask for a better rate, I don’t want my client to think they’re just giving up money. I want them to know they’re getting a valuable product out of it.

Practice by haggling: It helps to rehearse your spiel with a trusted friend. Beyond that, you can practice flexing your haggling muscles when the stakes are low–when you’re buying something on Craigslist or shopping for furniture, for example. This helps you get comfortable with asking for more without the pressure.

Negotiating is something I’m still learning to embrace. The fear and intimidation are still there. My stomach is still in knots anytime I prepare to ask for more. I may never get on a rollercoaster, and cockroaches are still the bane of my existence–but negotiating? Bring it on.